Another joyous Qantas flight -- or two

I TELL you what makes my blood boil - it's when the engine explodes after take-off.

There you are on the trip of a lifetime to Europe, in business class (thanks to frequent flyer points), although actually securing a business-class seat with points is a heckle all of its own. So having beaten that challenge, it was with a sense of smug satisfaction that I reclined my seat, a gin and tonic in hand, as we took off from Bangkok for the final leg to London.

The explosion that rocked the plane was followed by a deathly silence.

I'm not a nervous flyer, but I became a little worried at that point. The captain announced that we had "engine trouble". (A distinct advantage of business class is you can't actually see the fireball and flames). We then had to fly to a zone to dump all the fuel before landing. This takes an hour. The captain assured us he had done this before on a simulator. He also assured us the emergency services vehicles we would see along the runway were standard procedure. Of course they were.

Once landed, we had to wait a further hour and a half on the runway while Qantas negotiated immigration for a plane full of passengers. But don't expect this to make any difference. The official asked what my intended address was in Thailand, and, as I looked at him blankly, would not allow me in.

The airport was empty save for a straggly queue of weary refugees, all with no address. So, none of us were allowed through.

Eventually, some official waived the condition and we collected our bags and were shipped off to a hotel arriving, exhausted, just before dawn.

No new aeroplane was flown in. Instead we were bumped onto other flights. We were kindly offered a flight to Tokyo. I pointed out that we were actually hoping to go to London.

Eventually, we agreed to go economy so as to arrive in less than three days.

No air miles were refunded. No concessions were made. All dreams of business-class luxury, sleep and gin and tonics receded. Connecting flights were missed. The trip of a lifetime was fast becoming a nightmare.

But not to worry, we had a lovely long holiday before we had to contemplate the flight home.

Except you won't believe what happened on the way home. The plane broke down, in Hong Kong this time. Another trip back and forth through immigration. Another night in a hotel. Another great experience with the "Spirit of Australia".

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